Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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