Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
