never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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