I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
