I've blown a few things in my day
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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