New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
