I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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