you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I touched a dick in church today
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