I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
