I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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