Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
