some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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