You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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