I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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