How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize