Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They have beer where we have blood.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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