I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
