I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
