Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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