Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
