I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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