so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
