I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
