I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
