Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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