New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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