around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize