my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
