Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
