I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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