The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize