what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
