You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
