Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
