my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
