dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
