Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
