I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
