And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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