just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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