I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
