Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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