Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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