All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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