I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
