My hand turned me down
That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
