I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dignity is for republicans.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
