Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i love accidental penises.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Randomize
