After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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