You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
