dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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