I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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