I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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