just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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