I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
