I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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