i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
