Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want her autograph on my taint
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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