Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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