My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
