I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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