Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize