So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
